FlamingStar Chows Dog Humor and Poetry

"Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole."
-- Roger Caras

Why Own A Dog?
Why own a dog? There's a danger you know, You can't own just one, for the craving will grow. There's no doubt they're addictive, wherein lies the danger, While living with lots, you'll grow poorer and stranger.
One dog is no trouble and two are so funny, The third one is easy, the fourth one's a honey. The fifth one is delightful, the sixth one's a breeze, You find you can live with a household with ease.
So how 'bout another? Would you really dare? They're really quite easy, but oh Lord, the hair! With dogs on the sofa and dogs on the bed, And crates in the kitchen, it's no bother you said.
They're really no trouble, their manners are great, What's one more dog and just one more crate? The sofa is hairy, the windows are crusty, The floor is all footprints, the furniture all dusty.
The housekeeping suffers, but what do you care? Who minds a few noseprints and a little more hair. So let's keep a puppy, you can always find room, And a little more time for the dust cloth and broom.
There's hardly a limit to the dogs you can add, The thought of a cutback sure makes you sad. Each one is so special, so useful, so funny, The vet and the food bills grows larger, you owe money.
Your folks never visit, few friends come to stay, Except other dog folks, who live all the same way. Your lawn has now died, and your shrubs are dead, too, But your weekends are busy, you're off with your crew.
There's dog food and vitamins, training and shots, And entries and travel and motel which costs lots. Is it worth it, you wonder? Are you caught in a trap? Then that favorite dog comes and climbs in your lap.
His look says you're special and you know that you will, Keep all of the critters in spite of the bill. But winter's a hassle, the dogs hate it too, But they must have their walks though they're numb and you're blue.
Late evening is awful, you scream and you shout At the dogs on the sofa that refuse to go out. The dogs and the dog show, the travel, the thrills, The work and the worry, the pressure the bills.
The whole thing seems worth it, the dogs are our life They're charming and funny and offset the strife. Your lifestyle has changed - things won't be the same. Yes, those dogs are addictive and so is the game!
~Author Unknown~

This morning, I woke up & kissed my dad's head. I peed on the carpet, then went back to bed. "The life of a puppy, oh my, this is great." Then I thought about breakfast," I hope it's not late."

Mom took me outside, we walked for a while. This never fails to make Mama smile.

I sniffed of everything, that we did pass, I ate something weird - it gave me gas.

I'm sure God loves me, I know that is true. He gave me so many great things to chew. Rugs, plants or rocks, I really don't care. What I truly like best, is Dad's underwear.

That obedience book, was sort of yummy.

Though it didn't sit well on my poor puppy tummy. I threw up a bit, but that was all right, When Mom found it later, I was well out of sight.

I made streamers of T.P., while running at full speed. Mom is pretty quick-but I was still in the lead. I flew under the bed, and Mom flew past, She stopped-shook her head, and breathed, "You're too fast."

Mama later phoned Daddy, and said, "It was frightening!" That afternoon, she was sure I'd pooped lighting. She'd sat at the computer, while I chewed the cord, She thought I was mad, but I was just bored.

When Mama had enough, couldn't take anymore, That's when my tushy got shoved out the door. I love it inside, but outside is best.

Lay in the cool grass, and had a good rest.

That didn't last long, there was too much to do- Can't quite remember where I hid Daddy's shoe. I found an old bone, and scratched at a flea, I watched the dumb squirrels as they jumped in a tree.

I barked at the kids, when they got off the bus. I can't figure out why this makes Mama fuss. I barked at the neighbor, I barked at the wind. I barked and barked, till Mom yelled, "COME IN."

The sun dipped in the west-soon Daddy would come! I sure love my daddy: we always have fun. I barked at my daddy, then turned on my charms, I woo-wooed, "Hello," then jumped in his arms.

Sitting under the table - it's sooo hard to wait. Daddy slipped me a goodie right off his plate. I raced through the house, and scattered my toys, Ricocheted off the furniture, and made lots of noise.

Mom found her purse - the one I abused.

Daddy let loose a chuckle. Mom asked "Amused??" I cowered down low, I must be in trouble. Dad said, "Wasn't MY boy, it must be his double!"

Mom turned off the TV, and said,"Time for bed." Dad said "Let's go boy," and patted my head. I got in my spot, between Mom and Dad,

I thought 'bout my day and what fun I had.

Mama kicked out my bone from the covers below, Then let loose a sigh-a sigh deep and low. She gave me a kiss, and snuggled me tight, And whispered so softly, 'My darling goodnight'.

~Author Unknown~

The Genesis of Pets
It is reported (?!?) that the following edition of the Book of Genesis was discovered in the Dead Sea Scrolls:
And Adam said, "Lord, when I was in the garden, You walked with me everyday. Now I do not see You anymore. I am lonesome here and it is difficult for me to remember how much You love me."
And God said, "No problem! I will create a companion for you that will be with you forever and who will be a reflection of My love for you, so that you will know I love you, even when you cannot see Me.
"Regardless of how selfish and childish and unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourself."
And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam. And it was a good animal. And God was pleased.
And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and he wagged his tail. And Adam said, "But Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and all the good names are taken and I cannot think of a name for this new animal."
And God said, "No problem! Because I have created this new animal to be a reflection of My love for you, his name will be a reflection of My own name, and you will call him Dog."
And Dog lived with Adam and was a companion to him and loved him. And Adam was comforted. And God was pleased. And dog was content and wagged his tail.
After a while, it came to pass that Adam's guardian angel came to the Lord and said, "Lord, Adam has become filled with pride. He struts and preens like a peacock and he believes he is worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught him that he is loved, but no one has taught him humility."
And the Lord said, "No problem! I will create for him a companion who will be with him forever and who will see him as he is. The companion will remind him of his limitations, so he will know that he is not worthy of adoration."
And God created Cat to be a companion to Adam. And Cat would not obey Adam.
And when Adam gazed into Cat's eyes, he was reminded that he was not the supreme being. And Adam learned humility. And God was pleased.
And Adam was greatly improved.
And Cat did not care one way or the other.
~Author Unknown~

You've bred a bitch, a winning thing,
And make her a champion of the ring.
She's sound, she's lovely, a joy to see.
You want to breed her carefully.

Taking lots of time, you look around.
The stud must be both typey and sound.
You study pedigrees till you're blind,
Faithfully building the litter in your mind.

Several possibilities appear,
You write to all, and wait to hear.
Some write back, "My dog's the best".
You never hear from all the rest.

You choose the one you hope is right,
Although the stud fee's out of sight.
You breed your bitch...the die is cast,
The next nine weeks don't go by fast.

Of course, the lady whelps in the middle of the night.
With luck and care, all comes out alright.
The next eight weeks you fret and strain,
Feed and scoop and try to train.

You take such care with the home they get,
This one a show dog...that one a pet.
The new owners call with problems dear,
You're on the phone for half the year.

At last, the grand moment you've longed to know
Your lady's pups have come to their first show.
They all look fine, not one a dud,
Then from behind you comes, WOW...nice pups...who's the STUD????

~Author Unknown~

The Unwritten Rules of the Dog Show Ring
1. After trying forever to obtain that elusive second major, you have no problem getting the third major the next day.
2. The novice people that enter every show and always show up even if the breed judging is at 8 am and the show is a six hour drive will not show up when the count is exactly a major. Or if they do, the dog that finished yesterday will be moved up and break the major anyway.
3. If you attempt to build a major, one of the extras will win, never the dog the major was worked around.
4. The day you don't take an umbrella or raincoat to the show because the weather is beautiful at your house, is the day it is raining (or snowing) at the outdoor show site.
5. Although all dog shows have lots of vendors, the day you forget the tack box is the day there are NO vendors on the premises selling show leads.
6. If you go to the trouble of checking out of the hotel before leaving for the show, you will not win the breed.
7. If you don't check out, you will win the breed, and there will be no time to do so before groups.
8. Your national will always be scheduled so that you are forced to move your immature puppy up, by just a few days.
9. Your dog will decide to completely blow coat just after entries close for the national, which you have already committed major bucks to attend.
10. If you are showing dogs in two different breeds that have the same judge, it is inevitable that one breed will be the first one in at 8:00 am, and the other will be the last one of the day at 2:30 p.m.
11. The day you say, "If Rover doesn't win today, this will be his last show and I'm putting him in a pet home" will be the day he wins a four point major. (After which, of course, the waiting list of pet homes disappears and he never gets another point.)
12. And of course we all know about the puppy we sold as a pet with a spay/neuter contract. And his littermate that we kept as a show prospect.
13. If your dog does better behind other dogs, you will draw the first place number and the judge will insist on catalog order.
14. If your dog does better at the front of the line, the judge will allow you to line up in any order and someone will beat you to the first spot.
15. If the judge is requiring the dogs to be shown in catalog order, your male special will be sandwiched in between two bitches in full standing season. If you are showing a bitch special in season, she will be the only girl in a ring full of attractive males. (And if you decide to leave your special home because he or she has gone boy/girl crazy, none of the other specials entered will show up.)
16. The judge you didn't enter under because he/she hates your dog will draw an overload and your breed will be given to a judge who loves your dog.
17. Whenever a premium list includes a group judge that loves your special, the breed judge will be the one who told you to neuter it and put it in a pet home. (But if you don't enter, remember that rule 16 applies.)
18. A particular judge will ALWAYS put the Winners Dog up for Best of Winners, unless YOUR dog goes WD and there is only a major in bitches.
19. If you enter a small show where there are normally no specials or only one, three of the top ten dogs will be flown in from all over the country.
20. If you do win an easy breed at a small show in Podunk Nowhere, you will then learn that a dozen top dogs and professional handlers have flown in from the farthest corners of the country, and every one of them will show up in YOUR group.
21. If you win the group, you will discover that the BIS judge's favorite dog, who is the all time top winning dog in its breed, has just won it's group, and the BIS judge has recently given it a BISS.
~Author Unknown~

LAMENT OF A LADY WHO'S GONE TO THE DOGS

There was a time, there really was, When I was sweet and tender;
When SHOW DOG meant a Disney Star, and Bitch was not a gender.
I went to bed at half past ten; I went to Church on Sunday;
On Saturday I baked the beans And did the wash on Monday.
But then I got a certain pup, And an erstwhile friend said, "SHOW",
And so I did and so I do, OH! What I didn't know.
I used to dress with flair and style, That was the life, don't knock it.
But now each dress from bed to ball Must have a good bait pocket.
I used to have a certain air, I wallowed in perfume,
I used to smell of Nuit D' Amour, Now I smell like Mr. Groom.
My furniture was haut decor, My pets a tank of guppies.
Now I've furniture unstuffed, And well-adjusted puppies.
Once I spoke in pristine prose, In dulcet tones and frail,
But now I'm using language, That would turn a sailor pale.
I was taught to be well-groomed No matter where I went.
Now all the grooming that I do Is in the Handler's tent.
I used to long for furs and jewels And a figure classed as super,
Now the thing I yearn for most Is a nice new Pooper-Scooper.
I adored a man who murmured verse Through intimate little dinners,
But now the words I thrill to hear, Are just three - "Best of Winners"
I rise at dawn and pack the car The road ahead's a long one.
The one I routed on the maps Invaribly's the wrong one.
I really love this doggy life I wouldn't care to change it.
But when I get that BEST IN SHOW. I plan to rearrange it;
When my time on earth is done I'll go without much nudging
Just give me three weeks closing date and let me know who's judging.

~Author Unknown~

I wonder if you have heard of the new line of Dog show Barbies...

1. Dog Groomer Barbie - This Barbie is always brushing, trimming, clipping and bathing. Her only draw back is that she is constantly wet andcovered with hair. Comes with clippers, grooming table, comb, brushes, grooming smock, lint brush and Band-Aids. This Barbie is so busy, her canine clients often look better than she does.

2. Dog Handler Barbie - She comes with a moveable arm which can be snapped into place for perfect show handling. No way to lose with this Barbie beauty showing your mutt. She will do anything to win. She has been known to sleep with judges. This Barbie includes the book, "How to Suck Up and Win", along with many pocketed outfits for showing. Motor home not included.

3. Dog Handler Assistant Barbie - She's a handler wannabe who loves abuse. She is covered with hair, chalk and grooming spray. She comes with her pockets stuffed with assorted leashes, collars, combs, squeaker toys, and brushes. She is often seen with a variety of spray bottles hanging from her belt. She always smells of liver and has dark circles under her eyes. She> has permanent leash marks on her hands from dogs whose owners insisted they were trained. She comes with all of the above plus a stress management video.

4. Dog Show Judge Barbie - This Barbie is looking for the right dog. After many years of picking "losers" for men, Judge Barbie is content finding "winners" in the dog ring. She comes with clipboard, granny glasses, frumpy dress, the AKC guidelines on the perfect dog, a white glove to detect foreign substances, sensible shoes and a current rabies shot.

5. Dog Show Chairman Barbie - A blunder on our part, this Barbie comes complete with a case of Lady Clairol, a prescription for Prozac and an unlisted phone number.

6. Ring Steward Barbie - This Barbie is shy and reserved. She wears Nike running shoes for those quick trips to the potty due to lack of relief stewards. She comes with a map of the show site, so she can find her way back to the ring, crying towel for those inconsolable losers, rubberbands, armbands and a megaphone for the hard of hearing. She also has a monogrammed folding chair for her use only.

7. Junior Handler Barbie - She is always a winner in her own mind. She comes complete with a short skirt, a ponytail, and a bad attitude. Unfortunately her life span is very short.

8. Pooper-scooper Barbie - This Barbie has no sense of smell (for obvious reasons) and is a glutten for punishment. She comes with a pooper scooper, muck boots, an orange vest, a lighted miner's helmet for those evening pickups, a sack of shavings, bleach, a mop and a bucket. She is often found surrounded by flies and "cleanup" is her middle name. She has a Certified Sanitation Engineer Degree through her local Community College.

9. Dog Show Vendor Barbie - This Barbie is not cheap and neither is her merchandise. She comes complete with a vending tent and sunscreen. She also has a variety of dog related items. If this Barbie doesn't have it they don't make it.

10. Dog Show Photographer Barbie - This Barbie is truly a sight to behold. Her photographer's vest is loaded with no less than fifty rolls of assorted film and a multitude of squeaker toys to get your dog's attention. She never takes a bad photo and will refuse to shoot ugly dogs. If you mention her name in your ad, she will give you extra 8 x 10's for free!

11. Whelping Barbie - This Barbie completes our line of Dog Show Barbies. She goes anywhere help is needed. She births babies at a moments notice. Comes with van, cell phone, dental floss, scissors, towels, goat's milk, forceps, coffee, and a pillow for those endless nights.

12. "Westminster" Barbie - This one comes complete with evening gowns, suitcases, airline crates, crate tags, Exhibitor tickets, and one dollar bills (for tipping). The down side of this Barbie is the bald spot she develops after tearing her hair out trying to find a place to potty the dog. (Cab fare not included.)

More Barbies...

13. Obedience Barbie: Barbie comes with a training bag full of gear, a set of utility articles, a full set of regulation obedience jumps, her own lawn chair, cooler, a subscription to Front and Finish, and her very own obedience Golden Retriever "OTCh Sparklepond's Shorestepper's Heelalong Fool" better known as "Two-hundred". Accessories such as HIT ribbons and high scoring club plaques can be purchased separately.

14. Tracking judge Barbie: Barbie comes with a polartec snowsuit, Gore-Tex raingear and boots, wool socks, leather tracking gloves, silk long underwear, sunscreen, bug spray, a baseball cap, a waterproof clipboard, mylar paper and space pens in three colors. She also comes with whistles in two different colors to match the snowsuit and rain gear, a complete set of tracking flags, a compass, and a set of 12 different tracking articles. Unlike most Barbies, this Barbie always has a "bad hair day" so it's best to leave a hood or the baseball cap over her hair at all times. Included in the deluxe version is Barbie's tracking dog "Pokealong's Can't Find Squat TD", or "Sniffer", a Siberian Husky who comes with his own harness and rope as well as a lifetime supply of hot dogs. Sniffer has been known to eat start articles with one gulp and turn the start flag into a large toy at TDX tests, grabbing it in his mouth and running in large circles around the field (especially when there is a large audience watching). This version also comes with a case of Valium for Tracking Judge Barbie for this very reason. This is the most expensive Barbie and most collectors prefer to leave her in the original box.

15. Earthdog Barbie: Barbie comes with her very own monogrammed shovel, a custom-built liner for training, and a cage with three live rats. Also included are several pair of jeans, flannel shirts, t-shirts, rain gear, sunscreen, bug spray, and waterproof boots. Barbie comes with several small terriers (you choose the breed) and two first aid kits (one for the dogs when they get in fights, and one for Barbie when she gets her hand in the way) as well as a .38 revolver for emergencies (don't ask). This version of Barbie can be removed from the box but some collectors prefer to leave the terriers in the original box.

16. Herding Barbie: This very popular Barbie comes with her very own authentic drover coat, Stetson cowboy hat, several pair of cowboy boots, waterproof boots for very inclement weather, silk long johns, wool socks, and an monogrammed staff. Much like Tracking Judge Barbie, this version of Barbie has perpetual "bad hair", so be prepared to leave the cowboy hat on at all times. Also included is her very own monogrammed stretcher so that she can be carried out of the arena when the sheep run over her. Barbie comes with her own sheltie, "Round 'em Up's Chaser HI", or "Yapper". "Yapper" comes with her own gold-plated chain so that she can be hooked up to the barbed wire fence with all the Cattle Dogs and Border Collies (barbed wire fence not included). Barbie also comes with several sheep, cows, and ducks, making her one of the more expensive Barbies.

17. Agility Barbie: Unlike most slim, attractive versions of Barbie, this Barbie is quite muscular from hauling very heavy A-Frames,Teeter-Totters, and dog walks. She can carry an A-frame panel with one arm and set up all of the contact obstacles single-handedly. Barbie comes complete with a full set of agility equipment, lawn chair, cooler, stopwatch, battery operated fans, an open-sided tent for shade, sunscreen, bug-spray, rain suit, waterproof boots, 57 different agility rule books for all occasions, and her very own courier (Ken) who can hand deliver agility entries to the most popular trials and stand in line for Barbie. Ken also helps set up the equipment. Barbie also comes with her own agility dog, Border Collie " U-Atch Runaround's Speed Demon AX, AXJ, etc, etc, etc, BFD", or "Contact". Trailer for hauling agility equipment sold separately.

18. And last, but not least, the most popular one of all is the Dog Club President Barbie, who comes with TWO cases of Miss Clairol hair color (to color her own gray hair), a monogrammed strait jacket, a leather-bound copy of "Robert's Rules of Order", and a gold-plated gavel. The gavel unscrews at the end and is secretly a 357 magnum which can be used to keep unruly club member under control or just get rid of them all together!

Four wheel drive Sport Utility Vehicles and Mini Vans complete with dog crates are sold separately for all versions of Barbie.

~Authors Unknown~

Walk With An Old Dog
Because you will not be forever, Hope against time though I may, I paint your picture in my memory, Eyes blue with age, muzzle gone gray.
Because you walked with me in Springtime, Puppy-clumsy, running free. As you grew, we grew together- You became a part of me.
Because you shared with me my sorrows, Not understanding- simply there. Often spurring me to laughter-- My friend, you know how much I care.
Because the years have slowed your fleetness, Though your spirit still is strong. I promise I will take more time now, So that you can go along.
Because you do not fear the future, Living only in the now, I draw strength from your example- Yet time keeps slipping by somehow.
Because the day will soon be coming When I will no longer see You rise to greet me-but in memory You will always walk with me.
~by Gayl Jokiel~

The Retired Show Dog
He sits to the side, out of the way While others beg head rubs, or force you to play. His dark liquid eyes watch your every move Hoping and waiting, his love to prove.
He was shown many times, a promising pup And he just got better as he grew up. A picture of health, robust and strong, His gait and topline, never went wrong.
But his prime has passed, and he seems to know, That he'll never again be put in a show. He eats, he sleeps, not much more than that, And maybe he's getting a little too fat.
He loves to be brushed, when you have the time, He waits for his turn at the end of the line. You think of him, sure, but not nearly as much As those promising pups, that new special and such.
So he sits and he waits, til you have the time, To make the same fuss as you did in his prime. A scrap of affection, or playful shove, To him it means everything, to him it means LOVE!
~Author Unknown~

Heaven
A man and his dog were walking along a road. The man was enjoying the scenery, when it suddenly occurred to him that he was dead. He remembered dying, and that his dog had been dead for years. He wondered where the road was leading them. After a while, they came to a high, white stone wall along one side of the road. It looked like fine marble. At the top of a long hill, there was a tall arch that glowed in the sunlight. When he was standing before it, he saw a magnificent gate in the arch that looked like mother of pearl, and the street that led to the gate looked like pure gold. He and the dog walked toward the gate, and as he got closer, he saw a man at a desk to one side. When he was close enough, he called out, "Excuse me, where are we?"
"This is Heaven, sir," the man answered.
"Wow! Would you happen to have some water?" the man asked.
"Of course, sir. Come right in, and I'll have some ice water brought right up."
The man gestured, and the gate began to open. "Can my friend," gesturing toward his dog, "come in, too?" the traveler asked.
"I'm sorry, sir, but we don't accept pets."
The man thought a moment and then turned back toward the road and continued the way he had been going. After another long walk, and at the top of another long hill, he came to a dirt road which led through a farm gate that looked as if it had never been closed. There was no fence. As he approached the gate, he saw a man inside, leaning against a tree and reading a book.
"Excuse me!" he called to the reader. "Do you have any water?"
"Yeah, sure, there's a pump over there" The man pointed to a place that couldn't be seen from outside the gate. "Come on in."
"How about my friend here?" the traveler gestured to the dog.
"There should be a bowl by the pump."
They went through the gate, and sure enough, there was an old fashioned hand pump with a bowl beside it. The traveler filled the bowl and took a long drink himself, then he gave some to the dog. When they were full, he and the dog walked back toward the man who was standing by the tree waiting for them.
"What do you call this place?" the traveler asked.
"This is Heaven," was the answer.
"Well, that's confusing," the traveler said. "The man down the road said that was Heaven, too."
"Oh, you mean the place with the gold street and pearly gates? Nope. That's hell."
"Doesn't it make you mad for them to use your name like that?"
"No. I can see how you might think so, but we're just happy they screen out the folks who'll leave their best friends behind."

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